F*ck All These Bill Credit “Deals”

FREE PHONE!*

BOGO!**

UP TO 50% OFF!***

$150 INSTANT DISCOUNT!****

BEST SAMSUNG FOR LIFE!*****

*With purchase of two phones that we’ve purposely overpriced by $80, both under equipment installment plan and 24 months worth of bill credits, that probably, maybe start within two billing cycles, assuming we don’t forget and force you to call us to fix it, because our systems are so anti-consumer that we wouldn’t proactively fix that for you and make sure you are getting the deal we promised. Thanks for calling, though, can we sell you this $59.99 case that Amazon thinks is only worth $6.99?

**Buy one, get one, what? Free? Lol. This is “buy one, get one loaned to you for a while that’s paid off after we hold you hostage for 2 years and collect boatloads of service payments.” We are a wireless service carrier and do not care about you, nor are we willing to give you a real deal that doesn’t force you to sign hundreds of dollars away to us, along with 24 months of your life. Want to leave in the middle of your installment plan? Pay-up, son.

***Choose one tier 1 phone, get a second up to 50% off, but only if you trade-in a phone that was just released a month ago and costs more than the phone you are trying to buy right now. What’s that? You only have last year’s best phone that was the most expensive phone ever? We’ll give you up to 20 or 30%, assuming it’s mint. Also, that phone you just gave us, that you paid for, we aren’t giving you that money back today in a trade. Nope, you just got suckered into being paid out for your owned phone over 24 months, which is hilarious, you dimwit. 

****We’ve been over this – you will never get an instant anything. What we will do is offer you 3 different monthly payment plans that last for varying periods of time, name them confusing things that don’t refer to their actual length, then make sure your eyes gloss over at use of words like “Enhanced” and “Plus” and “Beyond” and “Un” before running you through asterisks 1, 2, and 3 above to get you your “discount,” all as you confirm a subscription to our streaming TV service that can only be cancelled by calling us and buying a case.

*****Holy shit, guy, you fell for this? This is a lease program. You don’t want any part of this. You will be looped into an endless cycle of upgrading while paying thousands into an abyss of bad network that is always trying to be sold because it continually invested over the years in network technologies doomed from the beginning. But the monthly payment is low? Hah, of course it is, our network sucks, hence the reason you can stream “unlimited” video at 144p and music at dial-up speeds, ringing dial-tone pre-loading and all.